Women Over Fifty

Our daughter always wanted children of her own.  When that didn’t happen for her, she and her husband took in two of his nephews to raise.  They were grade school age when they came to live with them so she didn’t get to start from scratch, so to speak.  They are both wonderful children, but you know, children aren’t all that easy to raise some times.

Recently she asked for advice on how to deal with some bad behavior.  She and her husband had both reacted angrily and she felt she had lost.  She doubted her ability to parent.  

Not so, I told her.  Here’s the advice I gave her.

Stay calm.  It’s important to present a calm united front.  If he’s mouthing off, leave the room, send him to his room until he can talk appropriately to you, or turn your back on him and refuse to give him attention until he can speak respectfully. 

Tell him you love him.  Reiterate to him (when he’s being relatively good) how glad you are to have him in your home and how much you love him.

Gratitude.  Children are not supposed to be grateful for what you give them.  They take it for granted.  When they grow up, then they can be appreciative.   You know that you have taken him out of a bad situation and given him a place in your home.  He just has to accept that it happened, nothing else.

Punishment.  Not taking him to his basketball games is a good, but harsh punishment.  Be ready to loosen up when he shows progress. 

Notes from school.  You might devise an automatic punishment for not bring school notes to you.  No desert for a week or some such.  Give him some incentive to give them to you.

Pouting is manipulative.  Just ignore the pouting or re-state the fact that it was his behavior that caused the punishment.  I don’t think he’s real clear on cause and effect yet.  Don’t consider pouting something you have to deal with.  Don’t react to it except perhaps to acknowledge that he’s pouting.  Definitely don’t react to it.

Hurting your feelings.  At the time he hurts your feelings, tell him you feel hurt.  Don’t keep bringing it up.  His job is to learn that hurting feelings makes the people he loves unhappy.  Your job is just to help him understand this.  Don’t hold grudges, you won’t have enough brain to remember them all.

Mouthing off.  When he tells you he has ears, he can hear you, just calmly tell him that you are glad to hear that he’s heard you.  Something like that.  Don’t respond to his mouthing off with anything that he wants.  Ever.

I hope this helps.  He is a handful.  That’s because he’s healthy, smart, and overactive.  You need to be strong enough to raise him into a good adult.

Love, Mom <who would be completely worn out dealing with this>

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